What would you do if you were given the opportunity to do anything you want?
I feel paralyzed just by the though of the amount of options there are.
A video appear on my youtube feed one day talking about this concept of TELOS. This video was a guide on how to develop your own telos file. A guide on how to know what you really are.
Something that stuck with me was knowing how a lot of people identify themselves with their careers. If you ask someone the question “how are you?”, as a response you would get the usual career path response.
The purpose of TELOS is to change this narrative to something more personal, a real idea of why you do what you do. What are your real motivations what is the change you want to make in the world.
We can always agree with our employer’s mission, but that doesn’t make it our own.
And from here it only becomes more difficult, stepping outside of what we believe we are can be challenging, and going outside a comfort zone can be even terrifying.
During my life i always found myself doing what others told me was good for me, just to realize that nobody had a real fk*ng clue.
It is infuriating to look back at my school years just to realize i didn’t learn anything meaningful, the despair of not being good enough to be admitted into a public college, or the anxiety of not being able to secure a job in a non passion/stock market driven economy.
I would really like a career in code, and call myself a “Programmer”, but it feels imposible with the way institutions don’t care about providing good education material, and the community just not helping because they are already stressed enough with their own problems.
So, This TELOS file help me remember that what i really want is to help other people not to go through what i’m going, i want to be a teacher, i want to become a guide.
Now i face the challenge of becoming that guide i needed, while confronting the other parts of me who just wants the “easy” already written career path.
Other challenge now is trying to remind myself what my initial motivations are. I don’t know if i should blame ADHD, or just the impostor syndrome of not being enough, or the amount of work, or the backlash ╯︿╰
I know that i should put myself out there, but i feel so much resistance trying to do so. at the end i feel like i’m justifying my behavior by doing other work in pro of advancing in my “career”, of being a web developer, of having a “good job”.
Event this post could be me, just trying not no do the work i should.
Even harder now is the conflict of the other things i would like to do. Hobbies are something i really like, but if don’t pick the ones which benefit my goals, and stop procrastinating.
I would like to invest time into learning how to draw, learning how to compose music, learning how to write. But i just end up being mediocre at best.
I sometimes feel like i should stop playing videogames, but in a way i feel like gaming is just a part of what i am.
And i know that to change you have to let go of what is holding you back, but in a way, detaching of what you think makes you what you are. feels like hell. So i try to make both just work. Just to realize that it doesn’t work
At the end i feel like i don’t really have a clear definition of myself, instead of being what i do ( a degenerate gamer ) (´。＿。｀). I shall become the guide i needed.
Mayyro - Regrets